*this is a very emotional post and may not make any sense. there will be typos. there will be run on sentences. beware.*
yesterday was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. a day to honor and remember all of our beautiful little angels in heaven. a day to grieve. a day to let it all go. i am thankful for this day.
something has been heavy on my heart for a few months now. i've held it in all this time for fear of letting the world know how i feel only to be viewed as weak and dramatic or selfish. i didn't feel as though my feelings would be validated i guess. it's been hard to sort through my feelings, even harder to put them into words.
my heart says it's time to try.
if you read Lilah's birth story you know that she was, at one point, a twin. we aren't sure when we lost her (i feel in my heart that Lilah would have had a sister) but it was early in the pregnancy. Lilah's placenta had a partial double lobe complete with a developing cord. they would have shared the amniotic sac. they would have been best friends.
the thought of Lilah having a twin...i don't know. it makes me so happy. i wish she could have that. i wish WE could have HER.
when Pam first showed us the placenta and told us about this twin i wasn't sure how to feel about it. i was in such an oxytocin high. i had my baby girl in my arms. i was able to smell her and kiss her. so the thought of an "undeveloped fetus" didn't soak in until weeks after her birth. i started looking back at the photos and immediately paused when i saw the photos of Lilahs placenta. of my other baby's placenta. she was here. i don't know when, but the fact is, she was here. with me. i was her mama, her protector. and i was never able to see her or feel her or smell her or touch her.
it hurts. it still hurts.
pam told me that had our other baby developed i would have had a high risk pregnancy and both babies would have been in danger. Lilah's sister would have been malnourished because of the way the placenta developed. but i can't help but think what if. maybe she would have been perfectly ok.
i am so grateful for my sweet Lilah Ivy. she is perfect.
part of me feels grateful that she sacrificed her life to save Lilah. part of me feels jipped. part of me is simply confused. a lot of me is blessed. it could be worse. a lot of me feels like it is missing. i just can't sort my feelings.
i guess i just needed to get it out in the open and hope that there is some release in my heart. i don't expect it to help much, but maybe it will help a reader who is going through the same emotions.
everyday, my sweet Lilah, i thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon us. i thank God for you. today i thank God for watching over my sweet little angel baby, your sister. i wonder what we would have named her? she deserves a name. i hope you can hep me with that, baby girl.